Cut the Shit

Friday Confessional

Why am I more nervous about my date tonight than any of the other ones that have preceded it?

I’m having dinner tonight with a guy named V that I haven’t met in person yet. However, I will be going to the dinner with my friend Nans – who hooked me up with V. Recently when I’ve gone out to dinner on dates, I have done them alone. Yet, for some reason, even though I have a friend coming with me on this one, I’m more nervous than I have been in the past.

I guess part of the reason is because after seeing his picture, I realized that I would most likely be genuinely attracted to him. While the other guys were attractive as well, I knew that I was going out on the dates more for experience rather than actually expecting to meet someone who piqued my interest. With V, I feel like my time is up. What if I do meet someone and actually like them? What if I do meet someone and actually become intimate with them? Where does that leave Paul and me? Where does that leave…me?

I realized yesterday that I have been celibate for over a year. That means that I haven’t even French kissed someone in that amount of time. There was the five seconds that I gave Paul a blow job, but that was an unsuccessful attempt and I don’t really count it. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched that I’m kind of freaking out about it inside my head.

If you met me, you would never assume that I was a prude, no sex having, baby. It’s not something I’m proud of. In fact, it’s something that makes me rather disappointed. I’m 28 years old and this is supposed to be my sexual peak. Yet, I’m not having any with anyone. And I’m not talking intercourse here, cuz as we all know, I haven’t done that ever.

I can smile and flirt and make just about any gay guy become interested in me (I mean, I do have looks, a HUGE cock, AND a personality – what else could a gay guy want? – ha), so I’m not necessarily worried that V won’t be into me. I’m actually more concerned that he WILL be interested and then all of the flirting in the world is not going to override the fact that I’m scared to take my clothes off and get into a bed. While I may not have the worst body on the planet, I’m surely not comfortable in my naked skin. In fact, I’ve never really been comfortable with sex and I think that over time I trapped myself in a mental prison. I look in the mirror and I think “Oh yeah! I’m not hideous”, but then when the moment comes, and the kissing starts, I feel like my head is going to pop off from the amount of anxiety coursing through my veins.

I’ve never had an orgasm induced by a guy I’ve been intimate with. I’ve always finished them and then finished myself. But if I’m ever going to grow up and move forward with this issue, I’m going to have to learn how to let go a LOT more. Being touched is supposed to feel good and it’s supposed to create some sort of excitement within my body.

I’ve been told to put on my confident face and to act as though none of this bothers me. At least that’s the way to get the man, right? Well truthfully, my sexual issues are deep ceded and have been around for a long time. I don’t know that I’m capable of just pushing it out of my mind anymore.

The one thing that brings me back down to a calm place is that if I freak out, I can always leave after dinner and run home to masturbate while on the computer. The safety that a computer screen provides! Nice.

So I guess wish me luck! The full report will follow next week, no matter how it turns out.

Enjoy the weekend!